I haven’t written a lot about where things are in our adoption… mostly because we are in waiting mode. Our home study was approved by the state of Ohio at the end of June and we have a fair amount of contact with our adoption agent (who we love), but the right match has not yet been made.
I hit a wall today. A wall I’ve been running at full speed for about a week. I had been feeling a lot of peace about waiting, just trusting God to work things out in His timing. It helped that we were busy in the evenings helping to care for three extra kiddos. I mean, who has time to think about adding to their family when they’ve got 5 kids in the house?!? But now we are back to being a little unit of four and it only took days for my heart to start aching.
I have been in a feverish mode of getting things done. I decided to move the playroom and schooling area to the basement to make more room in the rest of the house [we have decided not to put the house on the market for the time being, for reasons I'll explain in a later blog]. Anyway, our basement is a real basement basement. Like, block walls that’ve never been painted and a concrete floor that needs sanded. And its housing all our extra stuff. And I have the photos to prove it.
So for a few days I’ve been organizing the clothes the boys have grown out of, winter items, Christmas decor, etc etc into neat tubs on shelves and today I bought a giant 5 gallon container of dry-lock paint to seal the walls and I’m driving my husband crazy debating about floor coverings. Carpet remnants? Cheap floating laminate? Or maybe I should just acid stain it so it looks like a cool Starbucks floor?
I haven’t really slept in about two days. I’ve been up until the wee hours of the morning just thinking, thinking, thinking and then I’ve tossed and turned until the boys have gotten up. I’d probably start painting right now if I thought David would allow it.
Having just gotten those two little rug rats asleep, I’ve had a moment to sit and it hit me.
Pushing right behind that realization and was grief. And it has hit me like a freight train.
Since our miscarriage in April I really haven’t felt very sad. It was sad then for a week or so…but then you move on. You have to. I felt relief in finding out that there had never actually been a baby (either chemical pregnancy or it stopped developing at 4 weeks). So there was relief and then the sadness just ebbed away. We had Cohen’s birthday and the summer came and then I had a bunch of medical stuff on my mind and then it was Adler’s birthday… and well, in life, as you all know, you just have to hit the ground running. So we did. I haven’t thought much about the miscarriage since the spring. And in July we decided, for medicinal reasons, to delay trying for a baby again until next summer. There was relief again. I was glad to put it off.
But today I’m thinking about how I could’ve been 6 months pregnant right now if things would’ve turned out differently in April. And this weekend an afternoon walk with a friend who just found she’s having a girl reminded me that our babies would’ve been just weeks apart, both born in December. And early last week I found myself yearning for a baby. We’ve planned to adopt siblings and before last week, I would’ve been happy to a sib set without a baby, but since last week I have felt this overwhelming desire for a baby.
Its weird… I could have a baby if I wanted and if God allowed it. Turns out there was no medical reason for the miscarriage. I don’t fear at all that we won’t be able to have another biological child and that’s something we want to do eventually. But I feel no desire for us to take that route right now… and still, I’m aching.
When you’re an adoptive waiting parent who is signed on with a domestic agency there are a lot of “almost” moments. We’ve had a few possible sibling sets that have turned out not to be right for us. Several times because the oldest child is older than Cohen or too close to his age. Then there was a set of 4 year old twin boys and a 1 year old girl, but their birth mom decided she wanted an open adoption with someone who lived close (she lived in California). Our local children services adopted out 3 year old twin girls before our home study was completed and we missed the deadline to be considered for a sib set in Columbus who fit our “ideal” age and gender combos exactly. A friend of a friend asked me if we would consider a set of siblings from Dayton whose mom was terminally ill, but her agency wouldn’t work with ours. I’ve had several calls from friends who knew/heard of a situation, but none of them have materialized.
It makes you realize just HOW MANY children there are right here in the US who need families. I’m glad to have witnessed it first hand so I can share my burden for adoption with others.
And still, those near misses are exhausting.
I’ve spoken a few times this week with our agent, Julie. She has two birth moms who want to adopt out their children but have yet to make it official. One mom has a 6 and 4 year old and the other mom has a 5 and 2 year old. All of the children are girls. And both moms are expecting…the first mom in March and the second in October.
I want to want to hope and be excited and ask questions and see pictures. And I do, kind of… but also I feel drained. And still I’m nesting, trying to stay busy and make preparations, I think, almost in attempt to not feel the weight of the wait.
I want my heart to be steadfast in trusting Jesus. I want to lean on Him, never wavering or doubting or struggling. But tonight it feels like a fight with weariness.
I know this isn’t an upbeat post, but its real. I’m sitting at the dining room table with a bottle of water and a heavy heart. Please pray, friends.